Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
