I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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