i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
