Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
