omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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