No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
