Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this just has baby written all over it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
