We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize