well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
