And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
