Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize