You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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