Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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