hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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