So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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