Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
