I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize