how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
