Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
