Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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