he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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