evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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