my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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