You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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