my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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