I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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