I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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