We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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