Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize