Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize