peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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