im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
