god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
