I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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