Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
