cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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