The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
