I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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