Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
