I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
