I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
