I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize