her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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