woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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