Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
