i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im six kinds of drunk right now
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
