K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
