Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
