Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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