I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize