Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
