I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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