Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
