Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
