My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're like the curious george of whores
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
