Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
