Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
