So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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