my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
