Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
