Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
