Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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