just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
