I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
