i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
