I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
