You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
