I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
