plz talk dirty to me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
