Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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