nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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